When parents become angry in response to child behavior problems, they might be inadvertently encouraging the unwanted behavior. Here is why…

All children need attention, and, for various reasons, some children need a lot of attention. Any attention tends to increase the behavior that it follows, especially focused attention, and nothing is more focused than intense anger.

So if you have a child who needs lots of attention, and you give that child a lot of powerful, intense, angry attention, they are very likely to repeat the behavior that sparked your anger in order to get even more of that juicy attention.

Also, children tend to mimic the behavior of their parents, so if you are aggressive with them, they are more likely to be aggressive towards you and others.

Children Don’t Anger Parents Deliberately

I’m not saying that the average attention-seeking child consciously enjoys angry attention. To the contrary, most children find it very uncomfortable and distressing, and would much rather have gentle, positive attention, however it is their unconscious mind that is in control, craving the intense angry attention.

It’s not just aggressive forms of attention, such as shouting, smacking, that can create a problem. Nagging, lecturing and fussing are also very satisfying forms of attention for an attention-hungry child.

Parents Can Get Addicted Too

The other important part of the equation is that parents can get in the habit of giving negative attention to their children for unwanted behavior.

When a parent is repeatedly frustrated by a child, it is easy to get in the habit of continually criticizing them, not trusting them, and finding many things they do to be annoying. This habit can develop in any close relationship, be it with a spouse, sibling or parent, but in the parent-child relationship the effect can be most destructive.

Children tend to internalize the messages and labels their parents give them. So if they are frequently being criticized by their parents, they will believe that they are the naughty, difficult person they are told they are.

How to Break the Habit

To help the attention-hungry child get over their craving for negative attention, parents must give them copious quantities of positive attention for good behavior, and simultaneously starve them of negative attention for bad behavior. This will encourage the good behavior and extinguish the bad behavior, while satisfy the child’s need for attention. It will also improve their self esteem and desire to please you, and reduce stress levels on both sides.

So, if you have a child who is frequently disobedient or angry:

• Try to minimize the attention you give to them for the unwanted behavior.
• Put into place a simple, clear strategy, such as counting followed by time out, to deal with the behavior, and use this consistently and persistently.
• Avoid discussion or too much eye contact.
• Stay relaxed and calm, but assertive.
• Keep mindful that your child is not consciously trying to provoke you; they are just reacting to the situation and their emotions in a way that they have learned to react.
• Try to ignore the small stuff. Only use the discipline strategy with the worst behaviors. You can work on any other annoying behaviors once they master these.
• And most importantly, give them plenty of positive attention for the opposite, desirable behaviors. For instance, give them plenty of praise when they obey a command, or play nicely with their sibling, or get ready for school on time, or pick up their clothes, or have a calm day without a tantrum. This step is crucial, especially whilst you are weaning them off their addiction to negative attention.
• You could also introduce age appropriate reward systems to encourage your children, such as reward charts, or tokens that could be spent on fun activities with you, like throwing a ball, or playing a board game.

Giving your children an abundance of positive attention for desirable behavior and minimizing the negative attention you give them for undesirable behavior should improve your child’s behavior and self-esteem, as well as positively affect your relationship with them, especially if you throw some family fun into the mix. And as your child’s self esteem grows and your relationship with them improves, you might find that their general need for attention diminishes, leaving you with a happy, well-adjusted, easy-to-manage child.